Today was a doozy. Actually, this whole week I've been pretty emotional and annoying. Yup, annoying. Let me begin by saying that most days I hold everything together pretty well. I have a great routine with Miles in the morning and he is awesome about getting two naps in by two in the afternoon. I get the chores done around the house. Dishes are first and the rest follows. I often run errands in the mid afternoon and try my best to be home by the time Steve gets off work. He is wonderful about playing with Miles as soon as he's home so that I can catch up on unfinished projects. We prepare dinner and watch a flick and chat about our day while Miles hangs all over us. This is how we generally spend our time and I love it. We play and laugh and do chores and thrift shop and eat and on most days keep a great balance of being a patient and fun mother, a helpful and attentive wife and a caring and strong woman. Most days. But some days are really hard keeping it all together for my family and myself and it feels lousy. Being a stay at home mom with a house and a husband has added huge responsibility this past year to both our lives. I love my life and am so grateful to be with Miles full time but there are days that everything hits me like a ton of bricks and I feel completely overwhelmed. Steve said to me the other day that he rarely sees me relax. And he's totally right, I don't. I take care of my tiny person 24 hours a day, pay bills, clean our home, make sure we have food in the fridge and on the table, worry about the $42 in my bank account when I have a school loan going through in days, plan a birthday party, search high and low for merchandise for my mall space, all while hoping to god that the noise in my car isn't expensive... I need to work on shutting my brain off sometimes and take a chill pill. Right now Miles is going through a major growing spurt where he is learning and growing like crazy but also has become extra needy and fussy. He is such an excellent baby that when he does throw fits I don't really know how to manage it without getting overwhelmed. It's super hard not having family near for support (and a break) and so Steve naturally deals with the butt end of my crumby day.
My husband works his ass off for us six days a week. He is tired and underpaid and never complains. I see in his face how over worked he is and it breaks my heart because I know he would kill to be home more. He is the person who makes it possible for me to be a stay at home mom. He is the reason why I get to run errands and put food on our table. He provides the funds to pay our bills and have a wonderful home. I have to remind myself when that annoying voice in my head starts bitching, that I am so thankful and blessed to have such a hard working partner who would do anything for our families happiness.
Today was just one of those hard days. Miles was all over the place and had an especially hard time going to sleep tonight and I was having a difficult time holding it together for the both of us. Tomorrow will be a good day and most days are. That's just how it goes. Finding a balance of taking care of your home and family without feeling swallowed up. Six days a week I can do it but once in a while I feel the weight of my responsibility and its hard to keep my cool...I'm human.
Do you know what saved me from going cray cray tonight? Picking Steve up from work with a sleeping baby in my backseat, dropping them off at home and going to Starbucks and the grocery store by myself. I talked to my dad for a half an hour while shopping and by the time I came home I was okay. Like, all the crap that I dealt with earlier was dissolved by a little me time and caffeine. Sometimes that's honestly all you need to feel normal again.