Saturday, November 12, 2011

Lets get real

Its 4:46 AM and Steve and I are both under layers of blankets laying on the couch. Hes watching a war documentary and I'm surfing about the internet. Leaving the bedroom obviously interrupted the cats sleep so now they are piled on the couch with us. We both woke up around 3 and realized we were both suffering from an over active mind that wouldn't let us sleep.
Today was an exceptionally difficult day for me. I'm still working at the restaurant but am down to only a few day shifts but unfortunately I came to the realization that working at all is just far too difficult for me this far along in my pregnancy. Usually I take breaks when working to relieve my body and I have plenty of time for nourishment but today there was no chance for either. The restaurant was packed to the point that I was serving 7 to 8 tables at a time all day. I was making mistakes on orders and soon became short and irritable with costumers. My body was pushed too hard. My stomach was extremely uncomfortable and twice today I had to stop and compose myself from standing there in tears. At this point in my pregnancy I want to not work. I want to be able to relax and not push my body or mind too hard. Unfortunately Im letting money rule the inevitable. Steve has had a dramatic loss in work in the past few months and construction wont pick up much during the winter season. We foolishly dont have any money squirreled away for when Im not working and now we are going to deal with the real reality of my loss of income. This issue has put a heavy amount of stress on us as a couple. The weight of change, pressure and finances is so overwhelming at times that we lose focus of eachother. I know I need to give him more strength and support versus the constant heat and intensity I lay on him. At nearly 40 years old he is having to make huge life changes and responsibilities and for a life long bachelor, he is finding that being the head of the family is a bigger task then anticipated. He is truly trying and I need to remind myself that no matter what he will always find a way to provide for us. I called my mom today after leaving work and unraveled myself to her. I uncontrollably cried and explained how difficult it is for me to work and like a good mother, in the midst of her birthday dinner, she listened and simply told me no matter what I needed to stop working for the sake of my baby and health and that money is not worth either. In mere weeks we are going to be this little boys momma and papa and it will be the most gratifying and beautiful thing we could experience together. We have a beautiful home and healthy bodies and best of all we have one another. Miles is arriving soon regardless of how prepared we feel. Plain and Simple. I ultimately must let go of our financial burdens and instead enjoy the extra quiet time we have together in our home.


  1. AWWWWW Cora!!!! It's so hard right now, I know. Dusty and I are going through the exact same thing. I think this is common for a lot of new parents, especially of our type who have artistic/non corporate careers. I get asked everyday when I'm going on maternity leave and I just laugh. Hang in there everything works out and money always comes when it is absolutely needed. Hopefully you got all you needed and are prepared for Miles in that way. Just focus on what a cute house and room you have for the boo. We are living with Dusty's parents and don't even have a room for the baby at the time being. As you know rents in so cal are ridiculously over priced. We need to get out of here. Know you are not alone. Kick up your feet, work on your bitchin jewelry and keep cooking that lil cutie in that lil belly of yours. The only thing we need to worry about is keeping these lil guys healthy. Who knows, maybe your sales will pick up and you won't miss the restaurant for the next couple months. I'll be thinking of you and sending positive vibes your way.
    From one knocked up knock out to another
    Love Carli Girl

  2. I just discovered your blog and I'm already such a fan.

    The last days of pregnancy are so tough and made even harder with financial stress. Hang in there! Your little man will be here and in your arms before you know it (believe it or not).

    My advice is to try (key word here) to relax as much as possible before the big day! You'll look back and wish you had.

    Talia Christine

  3. I so relate to this post! my little one is now 2 (or almost), and my partner and I have gone through such strife! I have a masters degree in art therapy, whereas he does not have a degree at all. Major setbacks in my love's life has led us to being a one car/license family, living in his hometown to be near his (obsessive) mom who can watch the kid while we work. I have to be the one who brings home the majority, and at times the only , of income. Being a grown up sucks sometimes, but I really understand this and can promise you THAT YOU WILL GET THROUGH IT!!
    and when that little man pops out, at least for a time, nothing else will matter other than his little face.