Saturday, November 12, 2011
Lets get real
Its 4:46 AM and Steve and I are both under layers of blankets laying on the couch. Hes watching a war documentary and I'm surfing about the internet. Leaving the bedroom obviously interrupted the cats sleep so now they are piled on the couch with us. We both woke up around 3 and realized we were both suffering from an over active mind that wouldn't let us sleep.
Today was an exceptionally difficult day for me. I'm still working at the restaurant but am down to only a few day shifts but unfortunately I came to the realization that working at all is just far too difficult for me this far along in my pregnancy. Usually I take breaks when working to relieve my body and I have plenty of time for nourishment but today there was no chance for either. The restaurant was packed to the point that I was serving 7 to 8 tables at a time all day. I was making mistakes on orders and soon became short and irritable with costumers. My body was pushed too hard. My stomach was extremely uncomfortable and twice today I had to stop and compose myself from standing there in tears. At this point in my pregnancy I want to not work. I want to be able to relax and not push my body or mind too hard. Unfortunately Im letting money rule the inevitable. Steve has had a dramatic loss in work in the past few months and construction wont pick up much during the winter season. We foolishly dont have any money squirreled away for when Im not working and now we are going to deal with the real reality of my loss of income. This issue has put a heavy amount of stress on us as a couple. The weight of change, pressure and finances is so overwhelming at times that we lose focus of eachother. I know I need to give him more strength and support versus the constant heat and intensity I lay on him. At nearly 40 years old he is having to make huge life changes and responsibilities and for a life long bachelor, he is finding that being the head of the family is a bigger task then anticipated. He is truly trying and I need to remind myself that no matter what he will always find a way to provide for us. I called my mom today after leaving work and unraveled myself to her. I uncontrollably cried and explained how difficult it is for me to work and like a good mother, in the midst of her birthday dinner, she listened and simply told me no matter what I needed to stop working for the sake of my baby and health and that money is not worth either. In mere weeks we are going to be this little boys momma and papa and it will be the most gratifying and beautiful thing we could experience together. We have a beautiful home and healthy bodies and best of all we have one another. Miles is arriving soon regardless of how prepared we feel. Plain and Simple. I ultimately must let go of our financial burdens and instead enjoy the extra quiet time we have together in our home.